There comes a time in everyones life when you have to walk away from someone you love. I don’t think anyone realizes how much strength it takes to pull yourself out of a poisonous situation with someone you care for deeply. So if you’ve done this today or ever in your life, I’m proud of you.
I’ve had to do this twice in my life. The first time isn’t really worth mentioning as I now realize the love I thought I had for this person pales in comparison to the love I currently feel. Today, I’m going to openly share parts of my wounded heart about my current situation.
When I met this person I was VERY open about my desires in a relationship.
I wanted to be married
I wanted fun and excitement
I’m a bit kinky and would like the same:)
I wanted to travel
I am loyal and expect the same
I want someone who eats primarily plant based
I would love to find a health nut however I need someone who takes me away from my overly healthy routine from time to time.
We would talk on the phone for hours! His voice was intoxicating, sexy …deep. He was an intellect and I was happy that he had more depth than anyone I had ever met.
There was a lot of pressure to be intimate quickly. For me, three months in is far too quick. He became frustrated and I gave in around the third month. It was right around Valentines day and we were at a beautiful home on the ocean. What followed was five months literally in bed!
I referred to us as bunny rabbits to my friends. He turned me on so much. He would spend hours pleasing me and I would return his intoxicating touches, kisses, licks and strokes with the same intensity.
I became more motivated in my business. I began taking on VIP detoxing clients left and right (something I had not done before). I even took a public speaking gig at a cancer conference (public speaking frightens me)! He became my muse and I his beautiful lover.
When we weren’t together we would have constant phone sex! Often times he would call me from work (while I was at his home) and tell me what he was going to do to me when he arrived. Every time he was inside of me I felt like I was “home”…I had found my safe place. I didn’t want the days to end until I learned what the nights were filled with! Even though we barely touched upon our sexual hight, I will always think of him as my peak!
His anxiety showed itself for the first time on a beautiful March day. We were going to fill water bottles when he got a disturbing call. His mind shifted, he became frantic, paranoid and rushed us back to my house. That was also the first time he called me a name. I can remember crying at the top of my stairs begging him to calm down and he made fun of my tears. This made me feel scared. I would have this feeling as my baseline for the next two years.
And still, I stayed.
It was in June that I discovered some unsettling phone messages that led me to leaving him street side in front of his office. Women who aren’t being treated well will often snoop. Although they were only messages, it showed me who this man was and that I was yet another toy for the collection.
The following week he called me from Vegas. Not many men will “check in” while on business in Vegas! He did! I blew him off on the phone reminding him that I was hurting. A few days later I got the news from my mother that she had cancer. I called him immediately.
I was hurting
I was in disbelief
I needed his love and support.
He hung up on me and flew to see his ex who I later found out he had been speaking to for a few weeks prior during our break up.
My mother had cancer and the man I had spent six months with lied to me saying he was going to a “meditation retreat” in LA.
That weekend I was so worried about him that I searched high and low. I actually thought he may hurt himself. He literally disappeared. Little did I know that these acts of “disappearing” would become a monthly occurrence.
He was going through SO much! In business, financially and with some family members that I only wanted to love him through it. To be there for him. He wouldn’t allow it and chose to lie during the process.
The week after he disappeared he drove me to Mexico to do a house build. We had friends staying with us and that is when I discovered a full on conversation with his ex on his phone.
The manipulation on her end was crystal clear
The fact that he was non responsive to her was also clear ~ there was nothing to worry about and who was I to impose on a relationship that had carried on for almost two decades. I kept my mouth shut but his treatment of me became VERY hostile that weekend. At one point he referred to me as “a looser”.
I lost it!
I went off!
And I did so in front of his friends and family.
After the build he drove me home. It became the longest ride of my life. His words were cruel. “I hate you”. “You need help”. He was blaming me for things I wasn’t even aware of. I remained silent. In fact, over the first year of our relationship, I never fought back or defended myself.
I was still oblivious about his trip to see his ex when, a few days later as I was on the heartache mend I got a disturbing phone call. His ex’s mother called me, the random posts began popping up all over my Fan pages and You Tube channel comments threads. It was shocking, disturbing and to be quite honest with you..it made me feel incredibly sad. Here I was trying to heal and the relationship was fairly new (6 months). I was standing in a yoga studio about to begin class when I put my phone down and turned to the instructor Trevor (he had worked for me at my retreats in the past). I said “Trevor, OMG I think the man I love may have cheated on me”! I spent the class in Childs pose, my head on the mat.
I was sobbing
I didn’t know how I was going to stand back up and quite honestly don’t recall how I got home.
Over the next week the harassment of his ex and one of her friends that would go on to last for an entire year. She would call me at the most inopportune times. I would block her and she would use a different number. Her friend and her would post GARBAGE all over my face book fan walls and YouTube channel in the comments section.
She was hurting
He had went to see her and not been able to “get excited” as he once did. Nothing happened and that was the end of their 14 years together. I was the end of their 14 years. To be honest I would be hurting too.
But who really paid the price? I did, in many ways that I wont mention here.
Over the next six months he apologized and loved me like a man has never shown love to me before. We had reached such an honest love that when he would make love to me, it was real and true! His eyes said everything! He was in love with me and I felt his love in the deepest part of my soul.
The disappearing stopped and true love from two people who truly cared began.
I fell in love with him over and over again each morning.
I loved his baby blue eyes and it turned me on to see him peak over a magazine or news paper at me. I would have done anything to please him and did.
I fell in love with his son, his family and even his anxiety attacks. There was one character flaw however that I could not fall in love with and my tolerance level was beginning to falter when faced with. His on going verbal abuse.
During the time he had BEGGED me to stay with him after realizing you cannot go from a 14 year manipulator to a much younger Yogi Goddess who refuses to do anything other than speak her truth, he had promised me three things….
We would get engaged
He would pre plan scheduled weekends and date nights out and….an odd however important request. Once every week or so he would log onto social media to read my work. The third request was honestly because he was always in such a rush that I thought it would save us time “catching up” on weekends (yes, I’m serious)!
Although he brought up getting engaged twice after and had previously asked it was not followed through with. And even though he dabbled on my social media a few times and provided me with 3-4 schedules, they were also soon forgotten.
After everything we had went through together and everything I tolerated (do keep in mind I’m leaving A LOT OUT) I had thought those three things would be easy. After all, he “loved me”. Or, did he?
It wasn’t long before the disappearing acts began again. The name calling became as common as drinking water and the blaming of every personal matter in his life became my fault.
The beginning to the end was on a long night in September when I had been searching for his sons missing dog for close to three weeks on the streets of Tijuana. We had lost contact, him on a bike and me driving his Rover. Here it was 10pm and I was in shorts with cut up legs walking up and down the streets of Rosarito Mexico searching for HIS dog when he finally found me, he tore into me verbally like never before.
No one else was helping him
No one else cared
He had an excuse for everyone
Yet for me all he carried was damaging words.
After this the love stopped. From him at least.
We stopped making love
He stopped spending conscious one on one time with me
There was no us.
A few weeks ago (my birthday weekend) I told him I had other options if we weren’t going to spend the weekend together. I was clear that he need not respond unless he desired to make a conscious effort to “make us work”. He insisted we spend the weekend together.
I trusted him once again
The night before my birthday was a disaster …I needed peace. He played the “St of Peace” the day of my birthday and then a few days later he played the disappearing Saint again.
I understand the desire of needing alone time. Space to heal, quietness. I too have this need. One thing I know for certain however is that when a man truly loves a woman, this need flies out the door! When a man loves a woman the self sabotaging ends! The growth begins!
If you are in a similar situation. Don’t allow the abuse. Walk away away at the first sign. I actually began physically fighting back! I would have done ANYTHING to make it work…ANYTHING! Then, I woke up! I realized, this is who he is and that to allow him to come and go…to enter and exit my life whenever he pleases no longer serves me. It no longer served us. It no longer served me doing good work here on this Earth when 70-80% of my focus was spent trying to “fix” a broken situation that the other party simply didn’t want nearly as bad as I did.
I’ve spent several weekends crying alone in my bed over the past year. Last weekend I vowed would be the last weekend I spend alone and especially alone in tears. I pray this inspires you to not waste an ounce of your life on someone who doesn’t think of you when their head hits the pillow at night. You deserve that type of fierce love!
I love you
Please forgive me for not serving you better over the past two years
I only want the very best for you!