A few years ago this wouldn’t have resonated with me. It certainly is now!
Over the past three years I haven’t been in the kindest place. I was in love with a man who didn’t know how to fully express himself. There wasn’t a lot of holding, expressing through words or connecting on a deep level like I longed for.
But I loved him deeply
I loved his mind, he is brilliant
His fidgeting nature
His ability to finish what he started
I loved his thick curly salt & pepper hair
I loved the way he smelled after we would hike
I loved his shoulders, triceps and back
I loved the way it felt when I would lay my head on his chest at night
I Loved the way he would spend 45 minutes getting the sound and color perfect prior to us watching a movie on his God awful HUGE TV
I loved that he would eat my salads
I loved the way my body transformed beautifully when I met him
But most of all, I loved the way he loved me
I remember when we first met
He looked shocked when I wanted to hold his hand in the car
So I just reached over and stroked his hand until finally, one day … he grabbed my hand first
The first few months was a blissful poetic nightmare of arguing over the same three things in order to make up!
We loved to make up!
I felt insanely jealous over him
This was a new feeling for me
I had always felt confident before
I think this was because early on, there were problems
Old, twenty year problems that needed to go in order for us to begin.
But old problems, habits and people die hard
And one day, I couldn’t find him
I felt lost, alone & sad
My mom shared with me that week that she had cancer & although I knew she would be just fine, I needed him to comfort me.
But he was gone
Then he returned
And we argued for a few days
Then we made up
And during the making up I began to cry
I told him not to abandon me again
I told him how much I needed him
I told him I loved him
I told him I was hurting inside my heart
He promised he wouldn’t leave
And for the next year it felt like bliss
I was so happy!
He was happy too
We took our doggies to Las Vegas
We would go to LA, eat dinner & make love all night & morning in over prized hotel rooms
We spent the weekends in Mexico
He would look over his twitter feed in the am
While I would sun bunny {difficult to explain}
He would do “man stuff” in the garage
And I would create content from beautiful surroundings
I know this probably wasn’t his idea of fun…but that’s why guys need friends to hang out with
But he struggled with anxiety
He struggled with expressing his feelings
And I struggled with being authentic about my needs for affection, physical touch & words of affirmation ……I think he struggled with expressing his needs too
I always saw him as my husband
I always saw myself barefoot on a beach
wearing a white dress and saying vows to him
I saw him as my rock
My strength
My Mr fix it
My light
My love
My best friend
And father to Louis
Then one day I was at the Portland airport and I got a call from him that Jackson, his dog was missing
I don’t know what happened
What changed
But over the course of that next month of searching for sweet Jack, the way he spoke to me changed
It wasn’t loving
It wasn’t kind
It took away the feeling I always had with him
The feeling of “feeling safe”
I began reacting
I’m not proud of it
I constantly felt the need to defend myself
To protect my heart
Even though he was my protector
At least I felt he had been for so long
So when I came across this photo, I guess I wanted to share it with you
I wanted to remind you that the way we speak can either grow a person, or hurt a person
In the same token, it can either grow a relationship or damage it.
Please, be mindful with your words
One persons moments of harshness can leave scars on another for life