I’ve gone through it the entire year
I’ve allowed the solitude of my pain to swallow my soul
It was the only way for my heart to truly transform
It’s a time that has been full of pain
Lonely days led to lonely nights
The grass began to recognize my bare feet every morning
The moon waiting for me at night to step out again
My phone would lay turned off inside a bedside table drawer
Tears embedded the fur of my dogs who became my secret confidants
My friends disappeared one by one after their attempts to lure me into the sunlight failed
My skin grew pale
My body thin
My self esteem escaped me
Once a week I would wash my hair paint my face and put on a show for the world to see
I was loosing myself in heartache
But the heartache had left me
I became confused at what this was
I began remembering things that I had long forgotten
My father putting me on his shoulders
My mother grabbing my face calling me “honey baby”
The excitement I would get when I saw my sister get off the school bus
I was going through my entire life all over again
These memories came to a standstill as they turned into dreams
Some of the dreams prettier than others
My father’s unexpected death
My inability to understand
This was a dream that haunted me
Why hadn’t I ever felt the pain
Why am I feeling it now
Why do I feel him closer than when he was here
Why can I see his face so clearly when I wake
Why can I see him before I was born
Why did he not put on his seatbelt?
How would my life have been different had he lived?
Lived to protect us
He was my hero and at ten years old, he was gone
It’s not a woman’s place to constantly protect
It’s too much for one woman to protect three girls
I woke one night realizing I grew up feeling scared
I had to FEEL into the frightening moments
Figuring out why I was sitting in the exact place of not wanting to FEEL scared even though I am FEELING scared!
Then, the nightmare turned into a dream
My dad showed up
He was tall
He was strong
He was still my hero
He told me everything would be better than ok
He told me he loved me
He told me he had to go when I was ten to make me strong
He told me it was ok to be vulnerable
He told me it was safe to ask when I need something
He told me it would always appear as long as I believed
He kissed my forehead
He pet my dogs
Then he said goodbye
He turned around and waved
“Remember to ask” he said
Ok Dad, I will
“Just call out my name” he said
Ok dad, I will…I love you
“I love you too Andi”
