Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about intimacy and I would like to share a very true depiction of a time in my life where I began denying myself the pleasure of another due to the way I felt from what I see as a final encounter with someone who was not honoring me or the love we shared.
I’ve never been one who has worried about what others think of me. In fact, I’ve always been a person who prefers to check into my own energy in order to feel how my energy is around them. Do I feel calm? Do I feel that my love is appreciated? Do I feel taken care of in the same way I am taking care of them? Do I feel safe to be myself and as though they represent a safe place to lay my head?
I consider my body to be Sacred. I’ve been vegan for almost 19 years. I’ve never drank and don’t do drugs. I actually have a reaction to the slightest bit of coffee in my system. My body has always been a temple and the only time it has not been a temple has been when I come to the realization that it’s giving me signals that I need to turn away from a specific situation, person or place. Back in August I had someone show up in my life. Someone who had been in and out of my life for quite a bit of time. I have never dated this person publicly nor was I ever welcomed into his friend circle. In fact, I was treated quite poorly. He would show up expect me to open my front door to him and then expect to be let upstairs after boasting about his latest business ventures. That evening I shared my feelings with him. I told him I have love in my heart for him but I didn’t think it was a good idea that we go upstairs. We ended upstairs anyway.
The period of time that followed was a period of bodily illness for me caused by the confusion in my mind. How could someone continuously say such loving things and be so kind only to disappear the next day. I decided to go on social media and look at his stories the next day. This is something I never do. I am the type of person that focuses solely on myself and my own work. What I saw was a hollowing moment and I decided in that moment never to look his direction again.
When he reached out to me later I reach back with a very honest and blunt reply via E-mail. One that took a lot of courage. One that let him know what I was seeing. Ever since that period of time, I have not looked his direction. After doing some deep-rooted work I learned that the reason for this is very simple.
I did not want the confusion this situation was bringing into my life. Plain and simple, I deserve love, affection, honesty and protection that is from the divine. The type of love where there are no questions.
I did not want the shameful feeling of having an intimate relationship with someone who didn’t feel I deserved a seat at the table.
I did not want to be tested over and over again.
I wanted my privacy to be respected.
I needed my life to no longer be filled with immature games that were costing me my health.
Since turning away, my business has went through a complete overhaul in many ways.
My business email was hacked.
My personal email was hacked.
My websites were hacked and even my personal phone conversations were listened to.
What I learned from this situation was extremely powerful …
I learned to
Never get involved with a person who doesn’t take your feelings into their hands with loving care.
Never continue on with a situation that is literally driving you crazy trying to figure out. Know that the entire point may be to drive you mad while your ideas are ripped out from under your nose.
Trying to figure out a puzzle of if it was this person/people causing me immense harm in my business or if it was someone from my past was costing me my mental and physical health along with my financial stability. This was enough to bow my head with grace and to continue walking. I realized that I knew the truth all along and gave myself my own closure.
At the end of the day, I realized that if I continued on a path where I was never welcomed to begin with and where I would never be appreciated for who I was simply wasn’t the path for me.
I knew much of my creativity, my ideas and my love had been stolen but I I had no ill will. I looked at what I was left with (literally nothing at all) and felt grateful that I mustered up the strength to turn the other cheek.
What I did take away with me was my dignity and the sacredness of my body. Dignity is the one thing that no one can steal from you. They can steal your ideas they can steal your business contacts, your self esteem, they can even steal your mental health and your ability to see the truth.
But when you refuse to give them your pure sacred heart, your cleansed soul and the sacredness of your body… you drive out the merchants from your creative womb.
I hope this helps you
Even just a little
Luv you ~ please love yourself